Even when you get what you want ….

I don’t have a middle name but I’m pretty sure that procrastination would be it if there was.

I just posted something that I started working on back in October. Good lord, I hope my child does *NOT* inherit this gene.

There’s been alot that’s happened since October. Quickly though, as a side note, that friendship that I suppose I mistakenly committed the ultimate faux pas with is done and over with. Obviously there’s more to the story but i think that March is way too late in the game to vent haha.

There’s only 2 reasons why a woman would be happy to get a period.

1. That she’s not pregnant.

2. That she wants to start trying to get pregnant but has gotten off the pill and her body needs to adjust to the craziness. (for women who don’t experience – to their knowledge – fertility issues where this is an issue generally, this, obviously, doesn’t apply)

**please note, I am not speaking of the women who are kiss the moon and the ground and embrace the nightly blood that fertility etc etc – no offense but that isn’t me. Yes, I’m still a feminist.

So I went to see the fertility doctor at the start of November. By that point, I still had not gotten my period and I was tearing my hair out. I had been taking the folic acid for a solid 2 months or so by that point, I was starting to become obsessed with the lack of period.

I’m going to try to remember things and share them how they happened but I really should have stayed on top of this thing.

Of course I checked out what other people were saying about my particular fertility doctor. Funny thing about doc reviews; you’re gonna have good and you’re gonna have bad. The problem lays in where the bad is stemming from. From what I saw, it was people who didn’t get what they prayed for, or were having great difficulty doing so, who gave the negative reviews.  (for the record, my doc was actually rated best in the city – doesn’t mean that we all get what we want though)

And fair enough. But for once, I wasn’t going to let that shape my decisions in doctors. My GP said that this one can create miracles and I just went with that.

When I met her, I was surprised. She was lovely, took my ridiculousness in stride – this is a mandatory thing for me – and answered all my questions.

What it boiled down to is that even before I went on the pill, I was never regular and this is what caused her concern. She adopted a ‘wait and see situation’ until mid-December. If nothing happened till then well …

Oh, I should mention the withdrawal bleed. First of all, ANYTHING can be a withdrawal bleed from what I could tell. I did get spotting for about a day. I thought that was my bleed. Don’t know if it was that or something kooky. But I still hadn’t gotten a proper period. Sometimes I wish the internet wasn’t as advanced as it was … this only adds to the panic.

And no matter how many times you scold yourself for looking, you still do it. And you’re still riling yourself up.

Back to the … then I would start going on ovulation hormones.

Of course, first thought is HOLY CRAP MULTIPLES.

The next thought is why doesn’t my body work the way it’s supposed to? I don’t understand. Okay I wasn’t regular before but this is a surprise. Other people have the same issues so what the hell is wrong with me?!

And then we get to particulars. My favourite question is why?

Let’s see … I was in love with someone who I wanted babies with. That person faltered on me too many times. I can’t chance that again with someone else. I want to be a mom more than anything. That was never off the table. It’s time before I get older and start worrying about other complications that may happen.

Doctor was nice. She smiled. Nodded. Said that there were many others in the same situation.

Can I now mention that my mother is in the room with me? For some strange reason, I thought she would be more understanding and on board with this style of procreation. So this conversation is more than a little awkward for me.

Next step is to meet with the social worker. After that, on Day 3 of my period, I would get blood tests and Day 10 would be sonograms to check out how many eggs I have and if my tubes are open.

And glory hallelujah on the second day of my vacation in Florida, I GOT MY PERIOD!!!!

And now we start figuring out what’s next.

let me be your teacher … even though i shouldn’t be

So, as per usual, my blog is out of order.

Because I’m not yet sure how comfortable I am talking about where I am in the whole conceiving path. Which is kinda funny since why the hell am I doing a blog with tags so that others can see it and maybe follow it.

But something has popped up that I feel impassioned (annoyed? irritated? bothered? pick a word, any word) about. And in talking with one of my good friends whose also dealing with fertility issues, we thought, this should be written about.

So let’s talk about the topic of support. Let’s talk about what being supportive doesn’t look like. Let’s talk about phrases that pop into people’s mind that they think are supportive, but in fact just make us want to punch them in the teeth. Let’s talk about why the *hell* we have to teach someone else how to be supportive. Where did people learn how to be obnoxious? Without thought? Without consideration? Do I want to blame parents? At what age can parents stop being blamed for their children’s thoughtlessness?

Do people understand that when they say unsupportive things, we, the ones on the receiving end, will *stop talking to them about the issues, our fears, our tears*?! And to be able to talk to and confide in those around us is so important to get through the crap that we have to deal with!

I’m being very tough/hard on people. I know. Maybe it’s easy because my training requires me to be supportive (although to be honest, I have had some spectacular foot-in-mouth situations). Maybe because I’m on this side of the street looking in at other people.

My caveat for the following list of unsupportive phrases is that I know, and we all must keep in mind, that when the people in our lives say these things, that it comes out as shitty but it comes from a good place (hopefully). 

Also, if I have to teach another person how to be aware of the things they say, I’ll probably scream.

1. Don’t stress/de-stress. 

2. Calm down.

3. Rest/relax.

4. Put on some weight.

5. Lose some weight.

6. Get some exercise – be careful what exercise you do.

7. It was so much fun trying to get pregnant/It didn’t take as long as I thought/It wasn’t as hard as I thought/I didn’t have to try, it just happened.

8. I’m having sex alot and I’m surprised I’m not pregnant (this is for people who do not have steady access to sperm – like me, a single choice parent. this is not nice)

9. It happens all the time/It’s very common (for chemical pregnancies)

10. Eat less soy/eat more soy/never eat soy

11. Be careful what you eat.

12. Focus on other stuff

13. Are you sure you know what you’re getting yourself into/You sure you want one of these? (from people with kids who are behaving badly in the moment – THIS IS A TOTAL $#%@* THING TO SAY TO SOMEONE TRYING TO GET PREGNANT)

14. Get rid of distractions so you can focus 100%

15. There’s always adoption. (I will always back this because there are all sorts of fabulous kids out there who need homes but, for me personally, wanna give me more than one go at it?)

16. I know how you feel. **THIS IS A BIG ONE BECAUSE ALL OF OUR EXPERIENCES ARE INDIVIDUAL AND YOUR INDIVIDUAL ONE IS MORE IMPORTANT AND DIFFERENT TO YOU THAN OTHERS’ EXPERIENCES ARE TO YOU. (This still doesn’t give you carte blanche to be an asshole)

I have to say this: I can relate to my friends who are trying or who have tried for a period of time in the past but there’s sometimes a sense of self-talk that I’m dealing with something extra that they don’t have to deal with – which I’m sad to say is how it may have come out when I have talked to them. Example – you have steady access to sperm, you have a partner to help you through it (which btw as a friend reminded me that even those in partnership the person could feel lonely and alone), you already have a child etc etc. 

*I DO NOT CLAIM TO BE PERFECT AND I HOPE THAT I HAVE CAUGHT MYSELF IN THOSE TIMES and if I haven’t, I would hope that I would be smacked in the head. My most regretful thing is the level of my upset and then realizing that while I’m essentially at the start of a long process, one of my friends has been trying for months and I know I don’t have the same kind of issues that she has to face. And yet, I may be minimizing how she felt. (I’m lucky, she told me I wasn’t but still … smack me with a shoe).

This list isn’t exhaustive and I’m pretty sure everyone out there have heard something that makes them want to cry so by all means, add to it.

My point is, for those of you who know people who are trying, for the LOVE OF G-D THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK. We are not your teachers and we shouldn’t have to be exposed to your inconsiderate commentary.

ALL WE NEED IS to hear you say: “I’m here, I’m listening (maybe an I’m sorry), whatever you need” and for me personally “I’ve got vodka in the freezer waiting for you”.

Thanks for listening.

Aside

Hm. So we’re at just over 3 weeks and the period has yet to appear. After the first week I thought … clearly stress. After 2 weeks I thought HOLY CRAP IS THIS A SIGN I CAN’T GET PREGNANT?!?! Cos that’s not over-reacting at all.

It’s annoying to hear from people that I shouldn’t be surprised, I just got off the pill and my body is adjusting. It’s annoying that I also got that from my doctor (yes, I went to see my doctor). But when I explain that I finished my last pack as per usual so there is no excuse for me not to get my period, people just don’t seem to get it. And then I hear about a friend’s friend who didn’t get her period for a year because of stress and I FREAK OUT.

Today it occured to me, hey! Try to enjoy the break! but in the back of my mind, with more friends of mine coming up preggers, all I can think is HOLY CRAP IS THIS A SIGN THAT I WILL NEVER BE A MOM?!

All the signs are there, the tender breasts, the ovary pain, the random eating … the crankiness … and yet, the blood is not. This hurts … this interrupts my plan and scares me.

And then, in the last week, I committed the ultimate faux pas. I told a friend who’s a parent that she’s wrong. I criticized a choice she made in parenting her child. And of course it was thrown back in my face that I’m not a parent (not in those exact words of course) and that she’s the parent and it’s her kid. (despite the delay in my posting this – a draft?! from October 3rd?!?! – I still am firm on my stance but will amend to say that I should have let it go and, maybe, apologize. Or not. This is a part of a bigger issue with this person so really … egad. whatever.)

Has anyone else ever done this?

Nonetheless, I said something because in my heart of hearts, I think there’s a mistake happening and all I care about is how it’s going to affect the child. No, I’m not a parent. But I work with kids. I know about potential trauma and frankly … it’s wrong to think of your kid as your companion as opposed to YOUR CHILD. One who can’t express themselves, who lack the understanding that adults do.

On another note, I got to spend the evening and morning with a friend of mine and her lovely 2.5 year old and that makes me wonder … will I ever be able to make the right choices and decisions for my own kid?! My friend says that it only seems that she knows what she’s doing because it’s a slow day-by-day process that she learns it and I only see them once a month or so.

She gave me a bunch of baby stuff (yes, I’ve started sorting) and I almost started crying when going through the newborn stuff that what if I can’t have a child? Again, what if the lack of menstruation is symptomatic of something?!

Maybe I should stop doing cleanses …

I realize that until I’m a parent, it’s easier to say what I will or would do. And that may change when I become a parent. But until that time, here we are. Waiting for a bloody period.

Because it’s me …

Things don’t even start off as planned. I swear, if I had a nickel for how many times I expect something to logically go one way and it goes another … well, it’s never happened. I will never be rich.

You’d think just finishing off a pack of birth control pills would be easy. You’d think that it’s just *logical* that there’s a domino effect that makes sense. Finish pack, get period as usual, mourn loss of control of menstruation, get the wonderful withdrawal bleed and off we go.

Well, the second domino isn’t falling as planned. Since it’s been forever since I last engaged in copulation (what’s that again?) I’m pretty sure I’m not preggo … unless it’s the messiah. And I’m pretty sure it’s not. So what’s happening in this body of mine? It better only be stress. As if that’s such a little word in itself. It’s amazing how much trauma such a little word can create.

So what’s got me stressed? Certainly NOT doing this on my own. It’s actually a little thing called dreams. I had no idea what actually implementing Plan Mama would cause. Dreams. Lots of dreams. Lots of dreams involving the man I thought would be the father of my child. Since I made the decision to go off the pill now, I have dreamt of (let’s call him G) G all night every night. I will wake myself out of – what can only be termed as – hellish dreams only to fall back into them. Which I believe is an abnormal reaction; you’re supposed to start dreaming of something else!

I have felt sorrow about him not being in my life anymore; I thought I was done with that. I have felt grief that I was not going to have a child with my eyes and his mouth and ears. I have felt panic that I would never feel like I did with him. And I have felt jealousy of those who have what I expected to have. And I have felt EXTREME annoyance at hearing how fabulous I am and there’s someone out there and all those other things that friends say to you to make you feel better.

I actually feel that I have dealt and still deal with those in a very healthy manner and time. Then WHY am I dreaming of him?

We’re at the end of Day 4 of the missing period. I am FREAKING OUT. Which is great because THAT’S not going to help matters.

The rest of Plan Mama better not follow suit in difficulty.

a better intro to me

Image Image

Sooooo, I’ve never written a blog before even though one of my bestest of friends has been encouraging me to do this for ages. Apparently, I’m hilarious. I’m not so sure about that but I’m about to embark on the greatest adventure I may ever have … having a baby. I feel like I should document it. Not only to keep myself grounded but maybe, one day, someday, if I’m successful blessed and lucky, my kid can look back and know … holy crap my mom is nuts. LOVE IT!

So an introduction to me: I’m very clumsy (I should be wrapped in bubble wrap), I’m extremely quirky (I have issues with men’s sweat when dancing), I’m a man loving feminist (bras are too expensive to burn), I’m obsessed with my rescue dog (Mr. Wiggles – he came with the name :P), I love/hate exercise but LOVE food and wine and beer, I’m a Jewish Russian woman in my mid-thirties with some serious body dysmorphic issues, and I happen to be one of the unlucky ones that met a man, fell in love, was broken-hearted for a couple years before falling for him again … and then got broken hearted again. I may still be in love with him but I won’t settle because the kid thing is a deal breaker. And I mean having a kid, not being with a kid. Which, I guess, is also a deal breaker. HAH!!!!

At first I was going to give myself 6 months to ‘meet that someone special’ before going off the pill and starting the process but then I realized, why? It may take ages to get pregnant and I have been waiting to do this my whole life. I met one of my high school friends for lunch a week ago and she reminded me that ever since we met, I always said that “If I’m not married by the time I’m ___, I’m having a kid on my own”. Oh, my own childhood wisdom. The ages have changed over the years and I may not care about being married and being a parent, but the premise, BEING A MOM, has never changed. And I’m lazy. The idea of getting out there and meeting these people, excuse me, going on the INTERNET (my how things have changed), is exhausting. I’d rather spend time with my dog – who is currently snoring beside me – and my friends – who I don’t think really know what my particular heartbreak is like – than having to make witty small talk. Also, I guess I’m concerned that I may get taken off my path and I’m ready NOW. Not 6 months from now, but NOW. So, I sucked it up and took my last pill this week.

I have been on the pill for 15 years and it’s been wonderful. Regular periods, light periods, being able to skip periods, not getting pregnant accidentally before I was ready … now I’m terrified of what it’s going to be like. I was never regular and it was always dis-GUSTINGLY heavy before and I’m waiting to the new year to actually get basted but I’m going to give myself some time to get comfortable with what is essentially going to be a new body.

This blog probably isn’t for anyone who gets easily queasy, doesn’t want to know the real actual truth of my particular experiences from the get-go, doesn’t know that being somewhat non-PC and inappropriate doesn’t make me less of a feminist, or who expects something written everyday or even every week.

Honestly, I may use this site to vent about work or even just to have some musings down (this may happen several times a day).

More importantly, it’s about my path to becoming mama.